Dream Chasing and Prevarication

Back in January, I hired someone to write my resume. It took a little longer than I thought – mostly because I took my time to make sure I was giving the responses considerable thought, and because part way though I had a bit of a crisis about accidentally mis-branding myself as an educator.

However, I got the final version back months ago. It needed some tiny touches to finish it up – a phrase here and there, not much. But I prevaricated. Rationalized that I had a lot going on and couldn’t give it proper attention, it could wait.

The reality is that I got myself into a cycle of thinking that next week, or next month, I would have a significant achievement to put on there. Something that would make me stand out. By the time they came, though, I was chasing my next dream.

The thing is, a resume is not your life’s achievements – it’s a snapshot of where you are right now and the key things you did to get there. If I could get to a point where I didn’t have something I thought I could add in a month or so, I’d be cruising – and that’s not how you succeed – or I’d be dead.

So, I sat down with my buddy and we took a snapshot. And he gave me some practice interview questions and told me – repeatedly – that I didn’t suck at answering them. We identified what might be my dream job and he has convinced me that he believes I can do it.

Of course, I’m still wrecked with doubt. But then, when I submitted my work visa I worried I’d be deported (I wasn’t). When I got no marks back from the course I was taking, I worried I’d flunked (I got an A+). Despite the assurances I got when I was offered my internship and the fact that I’ve heard from someone pretty much every week since then, I still worry that it may all fall through before I start work on Monday. When I decided to try and get an Awesome Foundation going in Ottawa, I thought it would take months – but we’ll give out our first award next week. When I handed over from WISE I thought no-one had noticed what I’d done, and I was wrong there too. Despite my panic about TAing in French, I’ve had great reviews and the prof seemed pretty pleased with me. Although the organization for the talk I gave in French last week was something of a disaster, my talk itself wasn’t.

My point is – I continually feel inadequate and worry about things that are, I realize, completely irrational. And it holds me back, because I prevaricate over submitting a CV for an amazing job that I might just be great at. I only have this internship because the woman in charge told me to apply – repeatedly – and let me hand in my CV late (it wasn’t done yet).

Because I seek out people who believe in me, I’m doing OK. But I can’t always rely on other people to push me to go for opportunities that I should be seeking out myself.

There’s this huge leap of faith. My friend tells me that I’m good enough but he is so smart, and I’ve encountered some of the people he works with… and it seems presumptuous, to put myself up there. To say that my resume is worth them spending the time reading, suggest that I’m worth the time to interview.

Anyway, I sent it off. I guess now we wait, and see.